I’ve wanted to do this for a while. I’ve actually attempted to create something like this before, a couple times. If you really care about me, you can google my name and probably find some of my failed blog attempts from when I was twelve, or the summer when I was nineteen and super depressed. The writing won’t be that interesting, but it’s proof that I’ve made the decision to start something like this before, but never was able to sustain it. If I’m being honest, I’m scared to start again. Scared of writing something that’s not good, that’s boring or embarrassing and makes it seem like I think I’m the most profound person to ever exist. And the sad truth is that I am! It sucks! It’s not easy being this smart, and tragically beautiful. But that’s my trauma I guess...
I want to start writing again for many reasons, the main one being that I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of having ideas of things I want to do or create, and talking myself out of it. I’ve wasted so much of my life being scared of doing things I want to do. And right now, it seems like there is less and less I can actually do without getting sick or hurt which is actually scary. But starting a newsletter, a silly little newsletter where I write my silly little thoughts that silly little people can read. There shouldn’t be anything scary about that.
Something I've been discovering lately in post-grad life is that almost every conversation you have with a past teacher or older relative becomes a pseudo-mentor session. You express that you’re lost, and have no idea what you’re doing with your life, and they tell you that you’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you! (I love Vienna by Billy Joel) And you know that they’re right, but you tell them you still can’t shake the feeling that you’re too old and have wasted your life at the ripe age of 23. If they’re someone worthwhile, they'll probably stifle a laugh and say something like “I felt the exact same way”. Recently, during one of these conversations with an old acting teacher, she expressed that she also remembered feeling that she wasn’t doing enough in her early twenties; but looking back now, the only real regret she had was not doing more of the things that scared her. Being 23 sucks, everything is impossible and you’re still three years away from having a fully developed brain. But maybe the one solace I can find is that I do still have ‘time’ (time before when, I’m not exactly sure) to try all the things I’ll regret not doing. The things that I’ve been telling myself I’ve wanted to for so long, but haven’t yet, because I was scared.
I’ve been agonizing over the construction of this first post. I think I hate it, but I’m not totally sure. All I know is the first of anything you do in life is usually the worst. The most uncomfortable, the awkward, the most all over the place. Usually the first time teaches you what not to do again. There is so much from this I’ll probably want to change after it’s sent out to my readers. (Which currently consists of a couple nice friends and my brother) I want to fix everything to make it better, but I have no more energy. I’ve used it all up being scared. I hope you were able to gain some brief glimmers of enjoyment from reading this post. I promise I’ll try to make them more interesting in the future. For now I’ll say thank you for not being scared to read this. I appreciate it.
Hey Moriya , I’m looking forward to reading more from you ….